


You're the McNugget to my sauce

by HelveticaBrown



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Total Nonsense, the worst kind of crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 09:00:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6323212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelveticaBrown/pseuds/HelveticaBrown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma's very boring day is suddenly made more interesting by a magical mishap involving Regina and deep fried fast food.</p><p>The worst piece of fanfic you'll ever read, if you dare to venture within.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're the McNugget to my sauce

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lfr_sam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lfr_sam/gifts).



> This is the single worst thing I've ever written... I'm so horribly ashamed. This is the absolute nadir of my fanfiction-writing career... I literally can't go any lower. And it's all samlis' fault for encouraging me to write it - you are the worst kind of enabler.

* * *

Emma leaned further back in her chair and inspected the Nerf darts stuck to the ceiling above her desk. She and David had conducted a hostage retrieval drill earlier in the day in an attempt to alleviate the severe boredom of policing a small town at peace. It was uncanny. Absolutely nothing had happened in Storybrooke for weeks and Emma had already sped past stir crazy and was well on her way to something more extreme.

She was interrupted from her avid contemplation of the evidence of David’s terrible aim by the sound of someone clearing her throat. She hastily removed her feet from her desk and looked up to meet the unimpressed gaze of one Regina Mills. Emma perked up a little at the sight of Regina; even if she wasn’t here about police work, at least she might start an argument about something. Right now, Emma would settle for just about anything to add some interest to her day.

That wasn’t to say that Regina wasn’t interesting enough without some associated mission or dispute; she was. It’s just that any of those pretexts would give her an excuse to draw the interaction out for as long as she could, and she wasn’t too proud to admit to herself that she wanted to do just that.

“I’m delighted to see that the town’s investment in law enforcement is proving to be money well spent,” Regina said, her gaze sweeping imperiously across Emma, before landing on the Nerf guns on the desk and tipping up to the darts on the ceiling.

 _Combative… perfect._ Emma smiled sweetly and said, “I think you’ll find that the Sheriff’s department is doing such a good job that Storybrooke’s criminal element is too intimidated to try anything.” She leaned back in her chair again, hands behind her head, and regarded Regina steadily.

Regina scoffed, and Emma watched with satisfaction as the vein in Regina’s forehead started to pulse. Her breathing quickened too, and with every inhalation, Emma’s eyes were drawn to the straining button on her blouse. She looked angry, she looked beautiful and, as far as Emma was concerned, she looked good enough to eat.

That last thought was interrupted by Emma’s stomach rumbling audibly; it had been at least thirty minutes since she’d last eaten and she was starving. Her eyes drifted shut as she contemplated all the things she’d like to eat right now. Top of her list was a box of McNuggets – she’d kill for one – she hadn’t had a single McNugget since she’d moved to Storybrooke and she was pretty sure her body was going into some kind of withdrawal. She wondered if she could use magic to create some.

When she opened her eyes again, Regina was gone. She felt a momentary disappointment – she’d been looking forward to some extended sparring – but that passed quickly when she noticed the box of McNuggets on her desk.

“Awesome!” She hadn’t expected it to work, but for once, her magic game was on point.

She’d just taken a bite of her first McNugget when she became aware of a weird screaming noise. She frowned and dropped the half-eaten McNugget back into the box and closed the lid, as she looked around for the source of the noise. Failing to locate it after a couple of minutes, she turned back to her McNuggets; she didn’t want them to get cold, after all. When she opened the box, she heard the noise again.

She picked up the box to inspect it more closely and almost dropped it when she realised that one of the McNuggets was not like the other ones. In fact, one of the McNuggets had perfectly-coiffed dark hair and a supremely pissed expression on its face.

“What the hell did you do to me?” the Regina-McNugget shouted. It didn’t have quite the usual effect, owing to her significantly smaller stature and the much higher pitch of her voice, but she still managed to be kind of intimidating.

Emma lifted the box up closer to her face and peered curiously at Regina-McNugget, before reaching in to pick her up.

“Touch me and you’ll lose that hand.”

Regina-McNugget had a teeny-tiny fireball balanced on an appendage that Emma supposed was the McNugget equivalent of an arm.

Emma put the box back on the desk. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her cell phone, stealthily activating the camera. She quickly snapped a picture of Regina-McNugget.

The box lit up, starkly illuminating the fury on Regina-McNugget’s face. _Oops._ The flash was on.

“Did you just take a picture of me?” It was hard to tell, but Emma was pretty sure that Regina-McNugget had her hands on her hips.

Emma shook her head, mumbling a denial.

“As soon as you turn me back, I swear I’m going to kill you, Emma.”

Emma frowned. “You know, that’s not really a great incentive to turn you back.” She shrugged. “And maybe I like you better this way. I mean, I do really like McNuggets; they’re one of my favourite things in the world.”

“Well they’re not one of mine.” Regina-McNugget glared, as much as a tiny McNugget person could be said to glare. “Emma, I can’t believe you’ve turned me into some kind of overly-processed, deep-fried, fake-food abomination.”

Emma pouted at this attack on one of her favourite foodstuffs. “Okay, so if you were to choose to be some kind of poultry-based food, what would you be?”

Regina-McNugget huffed impatiently. “I am not having this conversation with you. Change me back at once.”

“No, seriously, what would you be? I need an answer, otherwise I’ll be distracted wondering about it. And then, who knows what I’d turn you into.”

“Fine. Quail. Deboned, of course.”

“Quail.” Emma laughed. “Figures… small, fussy and difficult to work with.”

“My patience is wearing thinner by the moment, Emma.”

“Okay, I’ll see what I can do. But just to establish this early, technically, none of this is my fault.”

Regina-McNugget looked at her, incredulity spreading across her tiny, battered face. “How do you figure that?”

“Well, if you’d included a few fast food joints in the curse, I wouldn’t have tried to magic up some McNuggets.”

“Just get on with it.”

“Fine. Promise you won’t kill me right after I turn you back.”

There was no response and for a moment, Emma considered not risking it. Surely after a little while, Regina would get used to being a McNugget and Henry… Henry was resilient and accepting and open-minded. The kid would be okay, she was certain.

But then again, she’d never get to see Regina sashay into the Sheriff’s department ever again wearing shirts that were particularly poorly tailored around the third button area. She paused on that mystery for a moment, wondering why someone who had such impeccable and expensive taste in clothing couldn’t seem to find a shirt that fit right. The why of it didn’t matter; those shirts provided ample reason for Emma to fix this.

She closed her eyes and tried to think as hard as she could about turning Regina-McNugget back into Regina.

“Did it work?” She opened her eyes and was confronted by a still-small, still-McNuggety, still-angry Regina.

“Try harder, Emma.”

“Maybe this’ll work better if I’m touching you.” Magic always seemed to work better when they were connected somehow. She reached into the box again.

“Hey! Watch where you’re putting those fingers.”

She closed her eyes again. This time, she knew it had worked. There was a much more womanly, much less McNuggety form beneath her hands.

She opened her eyes.

Sure enough, Regina was standing in front of her. Emma quickly snatched her hands back from where they’d been resting on Regina’s hips.

The remaining McNuggets were scattered across the floor, she noted with some disappointment. Emma noticed a piece of batter stuck in Regina’s hair; she reached out and grabbed it and had to resist the urge to eat it. She couldn’t, however, resist the urge to swipe the sauce off Regina’s cheek and then lick it off her finger.

Regina looked at her like she’d lost her mind. Emma shrugged and said, “Tangy barbecue. It’s actual nectar of the gods and it’d be a crime to waste a single drop. And then I’d have to arrest myself, and that’d just be weird.”

“Please stop, before I actually do kill you.”

“Sorry.” She wasn’t entirely sorry.

Regina folded her arms, tapping her foot impatiently. “So, you just turned me into fast food. I think you owe me an explanation for how that happened.”

Emma pulled a face as she tried to think of something to say. With every moment she delayed, the tapping got louder and more insistent. Eventually, she decided to go with the truth, “I was hungry and I really wanted some McNuggets, so I tried to make some with magic.”

Regina shook her head. “Even with magic as erratic as yours, it shouldn’t have turned out that way.”

Emma looked at her helplessly. “I really don’t know.”

“What were you thinking about right before you started thinking about McNuggets?”

Emma squinted as she thought back to earlier. “Oh.” She clamped her jaw shut, refusing to say any more than that.

“Oh? What the hell does ‘oh’ mean?”

“Nothing.”

Regina took a step forward until there was barely any space between them, her eyes wide and furious and her breath hitting Emma’s face. A stray thought popped into Emma’s head; if they’d been at a school dance, the balloon probably would have popped. She really didn’t mind, to be quite honest, apart from the bit where Regina was trying to extract information from her brain that she’d rather not volunteer.

“Tell me,” Regina said softly. Emma gulped. Regina was always much harder to deal with when she was soft than when she was loud.

“Tell me.”

Emma could feel her resolve slipping. The combination of proximity and that soft, deadly voice was doing strange things to her brain.

Her voice squeaked a little as she said, “I was thinking that you looked good enough to eat.”

“ _Oh_.” Regina took a step back, and Emma could see a blush darken her cheeks.

Emma decided to change the subject to one that would be less humiliating for both of them. “So what did you come to see me about, anyway?”

Regina suddenly was looking anywhere but at her. “I don’t remember… it was nothing important.”

Emma had a sudden flash of insight and couldn’t help the smile spreading across her face. “You were just as bored as me, weren’t you? And you came to start an argument, right?”

Regina continued to avoid eye contact. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Human lie detector, remember?” Emma’s smile widened. “Do you enjoy arguing with me, Regina?”

“Absolutely not. Your very existence is a blight on my life. Why would I seek out your company for something as ridiculous and unpleasant as that?”

“Okay, if you say so.” Emma shot her a knowing look. “Well if you don’t like arguing with me, we don’t have to argue, you know. We could do other things.”

“Like what?” Regina was feigning disinterest, but Emma could see that she had her attention.

“You could teach me how to better control my McNugget summoning.”

Regina shuddered. “Please swear to me that you’ll never try that again in my presence.”

“We could talk.” She searched Regina’s eyes, and when she found what she was looking for she smiled. “Or not talk. We could do other stuff.”

“Other stuff?” The blush was back again.

Emma nodded. “Other stuff.” She grinned and decided to try her luck. “Like, you could be the McNugget and I could be the sauce. Or the other way round if you’d prefer.”

**Author's Note:**

> Confession time: I've never actually eaten a McNugget. I actually had to do research to find out what type of sauce they're served with. I am clearly spending my time well.
> 
> Also, I'm not being paid to shill for McDonald's, before you ask.


End file.
